Change of Mind

Peace be upon you.. and may all of us forever in His grace..

So, as per the subject said.. I change my mind.
I needed a place to pen my thought, the turbulence in me, and this might be the place.

I've had my fair share of ups and downs.. been through heaven and hell I suppose.
At times, you just couldn't find the right person to confide in.
Tears already flowing till it somehow dried up, and up to the point that you feel ashamed to keep on crying with the same matter to Him..
He never mind any of it, and with many challenges that He gives, it's a sign that He misses us, wanting us to not to forget Him, to turn to Him, and talk to Him.

So here the story..

I had miscarriage in October 2012.. and my mind never get back to normal, the least stable.
Because :

1. my period never have a cycle.. it just come and go whenever it wants
2. I'm the first in-law for husband's side, so it's naturally for parents-in-law to expect their grandchildren from us

Up to the point, that I hinted to the mother-in-law, that we want to wait until my husband finish his studies (he's doing part-time studies, weekend class). But that's not the truth. Truth is, I'm tired trying, don't want to make them to keep on hoping..

My inner self starts to get broken.. little by little..

And with news that my sis-in-law getting pregnant. How easy it was to them..

No, no, don't get me wrong. I'm simply let loose of what I keep on wearing all day, all time. This is me, this is what I I thought..

I know how to be grateful, I do know. But this is just me, a naked me. Mind with no rationalization.. yet.