ward-una

he was a quiet type

at times, liked to joke, but once in a blue moon

had a sweet smile, i like it so much when he smiled
he would do anything just to make those that he loves happy all the time
to an undescribable extent


but somehow, i'm just so stubborn to acknowledge it all
too proud to admit all that he is to me
and it's one of my greatest regret in my entire life
with now that he's gone...


will he knows that i did all that because i care?
that i'm too proud to show my love?


out of rage, out of my selfish judgement
i passed my own verdicts
hurting your fragile heart
when all you need at that time
was only love and care
from someone, you called a daughter

i know that all your sacrifices
was more than enough
to camouflage your weaknesses, your mistakes
but i choose to not to see it all


and there are many hope-to-do
suppose-to-do
not-suppose-to-do's
that i hope i have the opportunity
to rectify all that
but i know, it will not happen


last night, my heart hurt so much
that i felt like screaming
tears flowing without asking
by only having the thoughts of you


sincerely from my heart
i truly apologize for all my actions
that caused you pains and hurts
that you don't approve


and there is one thing i wish you know
when you're still here with us
is the fact
that i truly love you
i really do, please never doubt that
despite how all my doings were not in agreement with the statement


but please, whenever you doubt my words
for this one phrase
please, do not ever doubt it


I LOVE YOU, MY DEAREST FATHER


- may you rest in peace, with His blessings, always and forever

090909, you left us to be with Him

p/s: the earlier pic for mail-hah's post was taken from this link http://bikash.deviantart.com/art/mother-46888780

p/s/s: the above pic is taken from http://tazzer27.deviantart.com/art/In-my-Father-s-Arms-25659353

when my heart speaks 001-071109

dear diary,

i don't know what should i actually put in words here
because i don't truly understand my heart either
so how am i supposed to express whatever it is that i bottled in so deep?

i know and admit that i like him

he's always in my mind most of the time
i even know that we are not suit to be together
as he's already have someone in his heart
and that we are somewhat world's apart

more than a month we were not in contact
no messages, phone call would be something that i would never dare to hope, what else to imagine
misses him during that period
but i dare not to contact him, just kept on wondering alone
whether he's fine, is he okay? is he stress?
and the concerns just kept on and on and on with no answer

up until one point that i finally have the courage to actually contact him
smsed him, hoping that he would reply
seconds, minutes and hours ticking
finally he replied, and what a relief i finally felt!

he's still the same, the way he reply the sms is still the same
the mood between us is still the same
and i felt really happy upon reading it
at least to know that he still acknowledge me

smiling and grining i was
when thinking of words that i should type back to him
as the fact that i truly miss him all this while

and the same thing happened like before
anxioulsy waiting for his reply
though doing another work, my mind kept on thinking of what will he reply?

and he was full of surprise!
my phone ringed, with his name in the frame
a smile just drawn happily on my face
excited i was, and nervous to answer the call

and so, on 04th November 2009 at 9.36.31 pm
we were on the phone for 43 minutes and 57 seconds
until our line was cut off
as his handphone was out of battery
he messaged later, saying that he will call again
as he doesn't feel satisfy enough to tease me during the call

-- silent guilt: and how i wish that he will --

mail-hah

when i was in primary school, i remembered hearing her scolding
whenever she was back from work, she wore a tired expression on her face

yet, i didn't understand that much

sometimes, she would sighed, and kept on scolding whoever that deserves scolding
i also remembered getting really scared when there was one time that i sought her help for homework, she scolded me real bad

i cried so hard, that even my other siblings tried to help me to do my homework

later then i know i deserves the scolding, for not understanding her struggles

i stayed in hostel during my secondary years

i remembered calling house just to ask for books, foods & also money

and i vaguely remembered of how the communication getting warmer & friendlier

guess when you are older and getting a bit wiser, you would know how & understand how the interaction should be

that was when also that i realized, how truly important she is to me

& how truly, madly, deeply i love her

that it hurts so much to see her tears, and how far i could go to protect to her

come college years and university years, the bond getting better

i don't agree with her all of the time, & yes, we sometimes quarreled

but i would always try my best to mend the damage

as i never want to lose her, never...

and now in my adult age, working era

of how i struggled along the way, how tired, exhausted i feel

& feeling despair, i dare not to make her know of how terribly down i feel

as for me, now is the time that i slowly take whatever it is that she's carrying on her back all this while
raising almost a dozen kids, yet she wakes up early in the morning

preparing breakfast for all

whenever one of them asks for help, she would give all her best to help

doing most of house chores, each & everyday

she's tired, but she still does that nagging the kids to help, but most of the time they dissapoint her

but she would just do her routine again on the next day

long ago when i realized of how terribly i love her

all of my life's planning revolve around her, around the people that she love, that i love too
everyday, how i wish, how i pray

that i could help her with the house chores

to take care of the bills

but i am mad with my own body, as i don't have her strength and will to do things that she do everyday

as i would get easily tired eventhough how many & what types of supplement that i swallow

i am yet to secure a permanent job, thus not much bills that i could handle

but i am trying my bestto do whatever it is that i want to

just for you, MOM

my special list

- My Special List -

I have a list of folks I know all written in a book,
And every now and then I go and take a look.

That is when I realize these names they are a part,

not of the book they're written in but taken from the heart.

For each Name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime,

and in that meeting they have become the reason and the rhyme.
Although it sounds fantastic for me to make this claim,

I really am composed of each remembered name.

Although you're not aware of any special link,

just knowing you has shaped my life more than you could think.
So please don't think my greeting as just a mere routine,

your name was not forgotten in between.

(i'm merely human, i do forget your name. but your footsteps are still where it was before)

For when I send a greeting that is addressed to you,

it is because you're on the list of folks I'm indebted to.

So, whether I have known you for many days or few,

in some ways you have a part in shaping things I do.

I am but a total of many folks I've met,

you are a friend I would prefer never to forget.

Thank you for being my friend!

~ by Anonymous

- this poem is taken from this link http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art39461.asp

i use this poem as it is the best one as an introductory for this blog

referring to the poem, i will blog about those wonderful people that i met in my life

and of whatever it is that i feel i want to publish

thanks & enjoy!